I should clarify who I am before I talk about this.
I have gone under a couple of aliases in the past. If you recognize me by any of these—which I'll present here as ASCII to prevent search engine indexing—then this might be a relevant read.
Presented in order from newest to oldest:
If you don't really recognize any of these aliases, then you probably don't have to read this.
However, if you do recognize any of these, or you want to know more about me before interacting with me, then follow along.
And to clarify the purpose of this document: I'm creating this document (alongside this new online identity) because I wish to distance myself from what I've had to deal with over the past 5 years online. I want to explain how and why I got this way, so you understand why I may have interacted with you in a particular way (e.g. following a 🔞 account despite being underage), and with that, an apology for having interacted with you in such an out-of-pocket manner.
And one final note.
The timeline of events is kind of hard to describe, and a lot of the details are a bit vague. I can attribute this to the fact that, since everything here transpired over the course of 6 years, it can be hard to recall some things, and it's fairly hard on me to go back and look at chat messages and the like without extreme remorse.
That being said, let's start off in the summer of 2015.
I joined Twitter in that month. I was 12 years old. // I know that a likely reaction to
this statement is "oh, there's your issue", but saying this to me in 2020—5 years later!—is
less than useless. Make this point to other people if you feel that it's necessary, though. I know I will—I want
people to do as I say, not as I do, and no minor deserves to have to go through this as a "learning experience"
in knowing how to interact with others online.
I know this sounds dumb, especially when reflecting on it, but I initially joined because I wanted to keep up with a Roblox developer. I was a child, though, and I think that "keeping up with a video game" isn't an unorthodox reason to join a social network, especially when the concerns of online poisoning weren't as pronounced as now.
After creating this twitter account, though, I began to follow a couple of people in Twitter, and one of them— who I'll dub "K"—happened to run a Discord server. Intrigued, I created an account and joined it.
I should note that this server being run by K meant that I joined a server owned by someone who is ~4 years older than me.
Anyway, over time, I familiarized myself with the people in the server.
One of these people in the server—who I'll dub "X"—is the main subject of this. He was also around ~4 years older than me, and I believe that he was dating K.
In a Discord conversation with X, I was directed to Telegram, an online messaging application. Intrigued, I asked to be added to any group chat that would welcome me. And so I was, in April 2016.
This group chat isn't too relevant to explaining what specifically happened to me, but what is relevant is that, from this first group came another group chat in August 2016, of which I took part in.
I'll give this group chat the name of "the Group".
This group is, I think, the beginning of when this whole mess started.
The Group didn't really start for any bad reason. It just began as a place to talk
with a couple of the people from that Discord server, and it was fine! For a time.
Over time, though, I noticed that X and K were calling each other cute, with both of them also calling other people in the group cute as well.
And I decided to participate in this, because I kind of thought it was cute. (Keep in mind that I'm only 13 years old at this time, while they're around 17 now)
I believe that, as we engaged in doing that, this sort of behavior was normalized to me.
And, alongside this sort of behavior, I was interacting with X through DMs, where we began to talk about sexual topics.
And I believe that these two things, happening at once, normalized this sort of close, sexual interaction at a fairly young age, which would set me up for what I'll describe in the next paragraph.
I can't recall from memory when I began to have explicitly sexual interactions with X.
However, I can say that he discussed a particular fetish, which I won't name here. Not a particularly sexual
thing on its own, but X was into it.
And, as we went on to talk about sexual topics, and as we went on to do things like roleplaying, he began to ask me for self-produced media which would satisfy this fetish. And I obliged, sending him this media for a time. (Going through my chat history, I can say that this was around March 2017, where I was still 13 years old and X was still 17)
However, I began to become increasingly uncomfortable with what I was doing, and, being unable to talk to anyone about the subject (since I didn't really have a lot of friends, nor would I be able to talk about it with my parents), and being under a mindset of sexual attraction to X, I continued interacting with him anyway. And, as I wasn't very good at communicating well with X, I ended up arguing with him a lot, having spats over things like "not sending him media like I promised" and whatnot.
This mess snowballed, and the first part in the breakdown of our relationship occurred in September
To understand why, I need to mention a couple of points for context:
On his birthday, I ended up telling him that I didn't actually want to go through with sending him nude pictures. He didn't take this well, and we ended up going through a pretty bad argument, which left him somewhat aggravated towards me. However, there's a second part to the breakdown in our relationship.
I don't specifically recall when the following happened, but I believe that this was sometime after September.
If I recall correctly, as our relationship ended up being in a broken-down state, I looked to talk with someone else, and I ended up roleplaying one day with K.
I can't recall correctly whether or not K was still in a relationship with him, but given the sort of intimacy of the sort of statements they were making in the Group, I'd say that they were in some sort of open relationship.
However, once X was made aware of the fact that me and K roleplayed together, he became livid.
He expressed this anger in the Group, given that it was the only discussion group where me, K, and X were all in. And I'd say that this argument basically signaled the end of our relationship for the foreseeable future.
And while me and X ended up talking about how (again, I'm paraphrasing here) "half of our interactions are horny roleplay bullshit and the other half are arguments", which led into an agreement that we should start talking more, I've ended up not talking to him since around New Year's 2018.
And I think that this is for the best, since now, reflecting on all of this bullshit, I think that I need to
distance myself from him.
However, I don't think that this is really possible without undergoing a complete "rebranding", as you may call it. I am still in a number of chat groups with him, and me simply leaving these will, I believe, lead to a demand for "reasons". And, to be frank, I simply don't want any more to do with all of this.
I want to be able to refresh my identity.
I want to be able to interact make online friends without having to say "oh, I'm a minor, sorry if I've led you to believe otherwise." And I'm sorry if I have done that. Really. I know minors give a lot of people online a lot of bullshit, from 🔞 accounts having to constantly weed out minor followers, to whatever bullshit is transpiring in Twitter this month of June 2020, and situations like these, where I have to clarify that "oh, I'm a minor, and I've had a bad mindset for a long time, where I've interacted in adult spaces despite constant reminders that, no, minors shouldn't be in adult-only spaces," just add insult to injury.
And I think that, not only that, but the issues regarding sexual expression for teens (especially for people like me, who discovered their sexuality through, say, consuming adult media online), might also be the source of this problem, where it's fairly difficult to experiment with one's sexuality in one's younger years.
I hate to segue into a different topic (and I'll get back to my experience soon), but I think that the source of these sorts of situations comes from factors like the lack of non-online sexual expression, or the inability for one to express/experiment with non-heterosexual sexuality in one's teen years. Think about it—you won't see a straight person struggle with these sorts of dilemmas, because their sexuality isn't restricted to online-only expression, where minors are vulnerable to groomers and predators and whatnot.
And it's taken me some time to come to that realization, especially given how, after this whole situation with
X, I ended up continuing to interact with other people in this same sort of way (e.g.
sexual interactions through roleplay or w/e) for some time—albeit, without the demands for fetish media.
And that isn't OK. I know.
And while I know that me saying this at 17 ultimately isn't very meaningful, since I'm turning 18 in some time anyway, but I at least think that it helps clear up my conscience.
I know that there isn't really any sort of good excuse for these things, and, again, I know that minors
interacting in adult spaces isn't justifiable.
And, again, I'm sorry if I did engage with you if you're in an adult space—whether I ended up following your porn art account on my alt/AD account (which is now deleted), or if I followed you on your main account despite a clear "🔞" on your profile, I apologize.
I hope that you don't think that this is, at all, an empty statement. I get that that's a concern. But I will follow through and make sure that this doesn't end up being that.